Work

I almost lost it yesterday at work. It's amazing how people (customers) can make your life or make that moment in your life so miserable that you almost break down and cry. I'm beginning to wonder if it was actually the person that I was speaking to or if it was my mood at the time that made it worse. I was angry at the world yesterday. Any little thing that was said or done to me would have upset me.
I take a break and come back to a great little message on my board from my co-worker;
"It's gonna be otay Linda!"

2009 Summary

Let's see...hmmmm....Let's start with a summary of what has happened this year. Separation, victim of family violence, house broken into, car vandalized, stressful job. I guess that pretty much sums it up! Oh! And Barcelona! Now I just need to elaborate....or not.
And for some strange reason, I am still here. Amazing.

My life now consists of only work. I have not been to the gym in about 3 weeks (haven't gained any weight though, don't worry!). I am not taking any college courses. I am not teaching any fitness classes. I am not blogging. I am not checking or updating my status on Facebook, Dailymile, etc. Yeah, I am pretty much not doing much of anything. It's no wonder I feel really lost.


All the things I said I was going to do this year. Nope, it didn't happen. Can't believe this year is gone.

Getting some rest again...

For the first time in a long time I have been able to sleep thru the whole night. It feels really good to get some good shut eye...
I've been neglecting my blog. Need to get back into it.

Justice

Seems like there is justice in this world.
I'm way behind on publishing this post though.
I found out that the person that fired me, was also fired about 2-3 weeks ago! And "he" was escorted by campus police. It came 3 months too late. My termination could have been prevented.

Don't you just love Karma? I do!

I'm going camping this weekend. Can't wait!

New Job

Be careful what you wish for. That is what comes to mind. Now I know why we went through so much training. We were finally able to answer calls on the third week. We are literally human punching bags. We basically just sit there and let the customers yell at us like there is no tomorrow! And all we do is apologize and empathize....

I did meet some really interesting people though at work. I think a couple of them are Athiest.

I found out that one of the guys I work with is none other than the son-in law of the douche bag that fired me and turns out he can't stand him either! What a small world.

New Job

Seriously. How much customer service training can you give a person? Some of the material tells us how to have proper phone etiquette, and how to say "please" and "thank you". And they keep stressing how we need to work on our "soft skills". It is redundant and boring! And most of it is just common sense. It's common sense to be professional, it's common sense to apologize when you make a mistake, it's common sense to say thank you when necessary! This training is extremely offensive. Not to mention that the age range is from 17-22 (there are about 3 older adults and there are about 20 in the group)!! I feel totally out of place! I guess the narcissist generation needs this extensive training!

New Job

Starting a new job is always a hard task. You need to start over and learn new things. Although, this company really takes this seriously. We are in training for 6 weeks before we actually start working. I feel like somehow I'm in school again. We are in a classroom all day, interacting and learning new material. The group is bilingual. It feels nice to be able to switch languages without the fear of making sure they understand you! Pero aun asi me siento fuera de lugar. Es una corporacion y eh estado acostumbrada a trabajar para organizaciones no lucrativas. Me siento un poco frustrada porque hay personas de 17 anos y no toman el trabajo con seriedad. Y siento que estoy perdiendo mi tiempo con ellos. Pero ya veremos...

New job

Thursday was orientation for the new job I start on Monday. I made the mistake of staying up too late on Wednesday (went to bed at 2 a.m.) and on top of that I had a few drinks (ok, I had a little tiny bit more than a few). The orientation wasn't until 10 a.m. and I didn't think it would be a big deal. Big mistake! Not only did I not get enough sleep, but I was still drunk! I had a hard time waking up, I had a pounding headache, and I barely made it on time. This is my last week of free time, so what the hell!

Augh! So dissapointed today! I was on my way to the power yoga class, and the lady that teaches the class is on vacation. So, everyone sees me walk in with my matt in hand and asks me; "oh, are you teaching the class?" I've only taken this class twice, what makes them think I can teach this class? Hmmmm....there's an idea... Certified in power yoga, and maybe even Zumba? Certification for Zumba is $200! But, I bet it would be worth it. It will have to wait though because I have no money! Maybe I can get the Y to pay for half of it.

I found a job! I start on Aug 3rd. I'm so ready to get busy. Can't believe I've been unemployed for 3 months!

For my friend Kealy...I have been separated since January, and at first he moved out, and everything was great. Then he moved back in back in March (don't ask me why!). Then I moved out because he wouldn't budge. And I've been on the road ever since! Just a brief summary for you until I can call you with details.

This is probably why i have fel lost. I have no job, no home, and I put my education on hold.
Oh! And I'm staying with my friend.

Home

I'm longing for a place to call home. I can't go back to the place I called home anymore, and I'm feeling more lost everyday. I know I can't do the things that I need to do from Houston, and I just feel like I have a lot of unresolved issues in Cana. I don't want to leave my sister, but I know my children need me more (even though they deny it!). I think I've gotten my baby fix with Max (my 2 year old nephew). I was in need of that connection, since the teens will not allow any form of affection! And sometimes I wonder what I'm doing in Houston. My mind is so scattered right now, and it reflects on my writing as well. The days seem to go by so fast, and still I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going.
I'm going back to Cana this week. I found a temp job for approximately 6 days. I can start looking for another job while I'm there. I start this Friday. I think I will stay with my dad...
I can consider this visit to Houston as a vacation or a little R&R.
Augh! I'm so frustrated!!

My sis

My sis and I spent a week together all by our lonesome selves!! No kids, no men, just us. It was nice to see her relaxed. And yes we did party a lot and I have hardly gotten much sleep and I have been a very, very bad girl! We went to a gay bar. My sister is really getting into that stuff. Don't ask me why.

I miss my kids though. I think I might just go back early. And face my demons. Everytime I think about it I get sick to my stomach. I just need to be brave and do what I have to do.

Houston

Saturday was a totally different experience for me and my sis. There's a gay community and my sister was invited to the annual parade near the downtown area. It was hot as hell! Good thing it started late in the evening. We found this cute little place where we could sit, relax and have a drink, while we waited for the parade to start. They had an assortments of beers, inlcuding Estrella Damm from Barcelona! I loved that beer and I was so happy that I found it.
On another note, they should warn people about their chairs. I think they own come with an integrated whoopi cushion. Yes, it's just what you're thinking...
Got lots of beads, condoms, lubricants, and other goodies. Oh, and my camera died by the way, so I have no pics! I'm so lame. It was a blast!

Houston we don't have a problem

Well, I'm in Houston! I've been good despite the fact that I'm away from the kids. The boys have summer jobs by the way. So happy to see them growing up and being responsible. Today was Kristian's last day of summer school, so she will probably be coming down with me. I'm trying very diligently to find a job while I'm here because I am bored out of my mind! Well, I've been keeping myself busy by working out, taking care of my little devil 2 year old nephew, shopping, drinking......mmmm....drinking. Umm, yeah I think that's it.

And still, undecided

I kind of announced to everyone that I was going to Houston for the summer. But, now I don't think if I will go down that path or not. I kind of feel obligated to go now, since I have anounced it and all! But, I know you can't make a decision based on that fact. This is my life we are talking about here! And it will affect everybody around me.
A friend has pointed out some things about my decision, which might help me... She said first of all you need to get out of that house and stop being so scared. Second, you make decisions without involving your children(gosh, I didn't see this) And third, you might be making the biggest mistake of your life and you will distance yourself from your children.
She was harsh and had no sympathy for me. And on the other hand it made me have second thoughts about what I'm about to do.

Undecided

I really don't know what to do. Stay here or go to houston for the summer. This will mean I will be far away from the kids and I can't be here in a snap if they need me for any reason. On the other hand I need to get away from this place. I need a new air. I need an answer.

ummm...I keep seeing "for rent" signs everywhere I go! Is this a sign? Is someone trying to tell me something I already know? Maybe I need to hurry up and make my move once and for all.

On another note this idiot at the library really made me angry!
I was in the computer lab and I had to save my work. So, I went back to my car to get my flash drive (I took my personal belongings with me) and went back in. They close at 4:45 p.m. and it was 4:35 ish. The guy mumbled something to me, and I said "excuse me?". He said "you do realize that you have less than 15 minutes". I told him yes! I just need to save my work! Gosh! they act like we (students) are a nuisance to them! In my opinion these are the type of people that they really need to get rid of! Calm down Linda, Calm down.

Gosh! I haven't blogged in forever. I've been neglecting my responsibilities! ha ha!
I can say that I feel much,much better. Something woke up in me. I'm not sure if sometimes you just need to hear that it will be alright from somebody else. So, you can assure yourself that it will be ok! I was clinging on too much to a certain "thing" and I had to let it go in order to be able to free myself and find me again! The problem was that I couldn't let it go, and I'm still lingering to a certain degree. It's just not controlling me like before.
I really forgot about the simplest things that made me happy. And, I forgot to do them. And, I forgot about myself, and those around me. I was trying so hard to just put everything behind me by hiding it. Never realized you have to go through the storm in order to see the sunshine at the end!
I left to Houston last Thursday, and I'm back in the Can today. I'll wait here until next week, so I can have a peace of mind about taking care of my responsibilities!
I feel as though no matter what I do I always end up in the same place! I'm going around in circles! Help! Can somebody help me find the way....

Next move

Some of my anxiety is eased now that I know I will receive unempoyment benefits. I want to also add that "the letter" read that I was not separated from the job due to any misconduct!
Well, that makes me feel a little better knowing that it was not my intention to leave in bad standards. Bastards!
Now I have to make my next move. Get out of this hell hole. The question is where do I go? I want to try Houston for the summer. I will be close to my sister, but my children do not want to follow. The plan is to get away for a while (I desperately need to do that) and come back when I feel "refreshed". But, is it a wise move? Is it responsable? What am I gonna do when the kids need me to take them to dentists appointments. Doctor's appointments? Augh!!
I need to quit thinking and just do it. We will see later about the outcome of my decisions (bad or good).

Work

Well, I'm going into the third week of unemployment, and I haven't found a job yet. My only fear is being denied my benefits (still waiting on an answer). I'm debating if I should just continue looking for a job here or get a temp/summer job in Houston and be close to my sis. I love my sis, but I don't know if I could stay with her for that long. I would have to get a place either way because if the kids want to come with me, we will need a place of our own.

This is the last time I will mention my old job, and then I will be closing this chapter.

Every now and then I keep replaying my last day at work, and what I could have done to change it. I keep thinking that I should have spoken up and asked for an explanation, but I know that would not have done any good. I keep thinking that I should have been prepared for what was coming (the good thing is that when I got my first and ONLY verbal warning I cleared out my office preparing for the worst) and keep blaming myself for not being prepared or for not fighting hard enough. But, I keep telling myself that it was unavoidable, and there is nothing else I could have done to change their minds. I did try, I really did. But, it wasn't good enough. This is their loss, and I was not getting anything out of this anymore. I felt like I was going backward instead of forward! I regret not getting out of there sooner, but I guess we must wait for the right time. Last year was hell, and I thought it would get better with the new management. I was wrong. Well, all I can say is that some things happen for a reason, and maybe life has a better thing in store for us! And we must learn from our failures. That place is worse than this town itself.
Ok! Let's move on!!! Bye bye!

Good news is that I don't have to go back to that aweful place that I used to call "work" and I have all this free time!
Bad news is that I'm unemployed now.

Without knowing it, my boss if feeding my introvertism (is that a word?) by sending me to do inventory in a classroom all by my lonesome self, without any human contact and the door closed behind me! I love it! I don't have to answer phones, greet people or anything that has to do with speaking or being "friendly"! Don't tell her though!


What do people mean when they say wear your "Sunday's Best"? Is that supposed to mean anything to me? That's still doesn't answer the question as to how am I supposed to dress for this stupid event! Stupid People! Augh!

I think I feel much better today. Work wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Got to do inventory in the classroom all by my lonesome self! woo hoo! I love some alone time. Just listening to music and taking my time to do my work. We did have a tornado warning this morning and everybody huddled into the basement (which is where I work, yes, in a basement) which was kind of funny seeing everybody make a big commotion about it . Just an excuse to get away from work, and mingle with co-workers I guess.

I went to work only on Monday, and I decided I "needed" to take off the rest of the week due to my "illness" with my doc's permission of course. Got some anxiety medication and I found out I'm anemic. My friend is a cosmetologist and she gave me a spa facial yesterday (totally awesome by the way!). She told me she felt very tense after she finished. Well, it turns out that you transmit everything you're feeling to that person. I love Normi's spa facials! Thank you Normi for taking all my stress away! I feel better!

And hell continues...Got a second written warning at work in a 1 month period, and I might be joining the rest of the unemployed Americans out there pretty soon. I have a week to "straighten up" or else. Mija snuck out last night and I don't know if it's the first time.
Life is great!

My favorite quote: "Hell is other people." by Jean Paul Sartre (an atheist by the way)
People can make of your life a living hell, but to what extent? But, what if you don't know who this person is that is making your life a living hell? What do you do then? You feel helpless and as though you had no control over your life at all. Tired of anonymous calls at work, and on the cell. And of the recent attempted break in (yes, again).
At no point in this life has it ever gone to this level of severity. At some point you think that it would be easier just to give in to whatever it is that these "people" want. But, what is it? Who is it? But, how about your dignity?

Barcelona

This is where Janel and Kristian were when we were looking for them like crazy! They were chillin with the oldies...

Barcelona

Day 3 Camp Nau
We walked down to the metro. By this time we knew exactly how to get down to the metro station and we all stayed together. This was the day the boys had been waiting for. The Stadium! Unfortunately there were no games scheduled that week, and that would have been a totally awesome experience! I always try to figure out things on my own. I hate asking for help! But, we didn't have time for that, so we became pros at asking for directions! But, everytime we asked "how do you get to..."their response was: "it's about 5 minutes walking straight ahead" Ok, so what if we walk faster or slower? How are we going to measure that distance? Crazy! Anyway we managed to find the stadium. It's really hard to miss the third largest soccer stadium in the world!

Porque me siento tan desconectada del mundo. Acaso, estos sentimientos son normales? Y llegamos a un punto de nuestra vida cuando ya no le vemos sentido a nada de lo que hacemos? Trato de asentarme a un grupo de amigos y siento que no logro acoplarme. Sera porque siento que soy menos persona que ellos? Que porque cometi errores en mi juventud no merezco disfrutar de la vida? Porque no logro desaserme de estas emociones. Por mas que trato no puedo. Mi vida parece que se torna mas negra cada dia. Y es que estoy en una situacion que se que esta a mi alcanze de cambiar, pero sin embargo no la cambio. Siempre me han decepcionado personas de las cuales se quejan de su mala situacion y no hacen nada por cambiarlo. Lo unico que hacen es quejarse. Es mas facil decirlo que hacerlo. Me eh convertido en una de "esas personas" Se que necesito desarrollar mi autoestima. Se que todavia tengo un futuro por delante, que mis hijos me necesitan, que estoy a punto de terminar la escuela y que tengo mucha potencial para lograr mis metas. Pero, sin embargo hay algo que me lo impide. La falta de confianza en mi misma. Quisiera salir de este lugar a donde nadie me conozca y empezar de nuevo. Pero eso no es posible ahora. Y tengo que hacer mi felicidad aqui y ahora. No manana.
Necesito motivacion y ayuda. No puedo lograrlo sola.

I'm hibernating right now. I'll come out soon. Thank you come again.

Barcelona

Day 2

3/16/09

My sis and I decided to wake up early before the kids did and go grocery shopping. The streets looked so much alive this time. Everyone out walking, and a lot of the businesses and shops were open. This day looked like it would be so much better. Finally losing somewhat the fear of using my Spanish, I started asking where we could buy groceries. We found a small grocery shop with milk, eggs, bread, juice, cereal, etc.! We were in heaven! I felt so relieved after loading up on all those groceries. Now the problem was to carry all of our groceries 10 blocks down to the apartment! We managed it. Well, we started off good, but we got too excited. With our bellies full, we got ready to head out. My sister and Kristian were to eager to go, and would not wait on us. They said they would wait for us at the metro station (the problem was that there were several metro stations) Well, needless to say that we spent an hour trying to look for them and it would have been worse if my sis wouldn't of had her "world phone" with her. I called her from an Internet Cafe. Ok. Now we are ready!

Day 2 evening
I had totally forgoton about this incident and I honestly thought that my "negative energy" had followed me all the way from Corsicana to Barcelona!
We were getting ready to go out and I heard the door buzz from downstairs, and we were all in the apartment, so I had no idea who this person could be or why they would be buzzing our door! I didn't think much of it and I answered "hello". No response. My sister said that it might just be some kids fooling around. About 10 minutes later someone knocks at the freakin apartment door! I never buzzed them in, so I had no idea what to do, and of course I was not going to open the door. I got really freaked out! Luis heard and came over to the door and peaked through the hole and did not see anyone. Neither did I. We both stood there and looked at each other for several minutes not knowing what to do. If we were going to have to put up a fight, I was going to need a weapon. So, I got a big wooden spoon! Ha ha! Janel said I was overreacting. They never came back. Luis said it might not be such a good idea to go out anymore. But, I was not going to let this ruin my vacation, plus I had my wooden spoon!
We never heard from them again that night..."They" buzzed once more the next morning before anyone woke up. That was the last we heard of the mysterious buzz.

Barcelona

3/15/2009
We woke up and we were starving and no food of course. So, we freshen up and head out for the streets of Barcelona. Remember, it's a Sunday and mostly everything is closed. Except for those cafeteria/bar places, but I think they only have beer. We walked for like what seemed forever, and we could not find a single place to eat. We found a churro stand and a couple of "restaurants". We had no idea what that food was or how to ask for it (yes, I know, I speak Spanish) but some words were different. We finally got the courage to go into this little cafeteria where Asian people ran the place and spoke Spanish. They had some type of paninis, pizza, and other pastry items displayed and they seemed to have been sitting there for a while. They did not look fresh, but we were hungry and we did not care, and it would have to do. We finished and left and started walking back to the apartment, and we saw a Cathedral from the distance. It was La Sagrada Familia (work of Gaudi). We started walking toward it. It was a breathtaking view, and creepy at the same time, and you can't help but stare. It was the biggest Cathedral I have ever seen! And, this time we found a KFC, and a Pizza Hut! I was the only one that ordered a chicken salad, but the taste was not the same by any means.

The lions are the work of Gaudi
Bike stroll
The work of Gaudi

walking between buildings....

Camp Nau (Barcelona stadium) again, not very good quality. Just to give you a sneak peak

I feel like I'm losing my sanity...and why do I keep breaking out in places where I never thought possible?????? I need to do homework. I need to walk the dog. I need to eat. I need to workout. I need to sleep. Augh! I need to......

Barcelona

3/16/09
We finally got to our stop. We got off the metro (still not knowing where to go) but, managed to get out of the metro station and on the corner of this really busy street. I really felt helpless and overwhelmed. We still didn't know where to go. I asked someone for directions on how to get to the apartment, but he wasn't from Barcelona, so that what helpless. The taxis would only take 4 people at a time (we were 5!) Luckily a "taxi van" saw us and told us we could get on his taxi! Yey! He took us to the apartment for 20 euros (but I didn't care, as long as we got there!) I came to find out later that the apartment was only 5 blocks from the metro station! The apartment was tiny, the elevator was tiny, and it seemed as if all the furniture was from IKEA. I didn't care I just wanted to SLEEP! Needless to say that we slept for the next 5 hours...View from the apartment (taken with my video cam. not very good quality. more to come. stay tunned)

Barcelona

So much to write about that great city! Oh, where to start! Traveling on a plane for more than 8 hours is aweful. But when you start seeing the landscape and the beautiful mountains thru those tiny airplane windows, makes you think...Wow it was all worth it! It was all ok on our way there, but once we arrived at the airport in Barcelona that was a completely different story. I felt completely lost, but I tried not to show it so I would not make my kids or my sister panic. I wanted to keep that feeling to myself. I opted to just follow the "crowd" after getting off the airplane. We were greeted by an "hola" from the customs man. He was quite friendly. We kept following the crowd and we picked up our luggage, but after that we were on our own! Scary! Well, we knew we were going to need euros, so we exchanged our worthless dollars! I think the euro is worth $1.35 dollars. Even though these people speak Spanish, it was hard for me to understand. I felt really embaressed using my Spanish. Their Spanish is so proper and so fast! I was so exhausted from the trip, and all I wanted was to get to the apartment and get some badly needed shut eye! We needed to take the metro to get there, and we had no idea where the heck to get it! And we couldn't understand when we would ask them for directions. We always had to ask more than once! We finally found which direction to go to get on the metro. The next ordeal was to figure out how to purchase the ticket! Not to mention that everything was in two languages. Catalan and Castellano (Spanish). The guy at the metro explained it to us and somehow I ended up buying 40 passes! We got on the metro (later we found out it was the train and no the metro) and we knew which stop to get off on. Somehow I got really confused and we were at our stop, but I thought that it was the next stop where we had to get off. We took a long time to make a decision, and everybody ended up getting off except me! I was stuck on the train, and the doors had shut! Luckily there was a button on the inside and outside that you can press just in case you get stuck like an idiot. to be continued....

I don't know where all this negative energy is coming from or why I am attracting it. It seams like I go from bad to worse. Last week someone broke into our house and took all of our electronics (TV, desktop, mini-laptop, xbox 360, ps2, psp, digital camera). I have cried as much as I have let myself, because it is just a waste of time and energy trying to grieve over material things. Although, THEY ARE MY THINGS! I feel violated. The only thing I am grateful for is that all of us are OK, and this happened while we were gone, and I only left the house for less than 2 hours. My theory on residential burglaries has always been that these thefts are done by people that know you, people who know exactly when you will be gone, and people that want to hurt you for some reason. I have hacked my brain trying to think who this person(s) could be and why they would want to do this to us or me.

I visited my sister last weekend. She bought some really nice used mountain bikes. I decided to try them out along with my nephew. The wind was a little chilly, but it was a great sunny day outside. As we rode the bikes up and down the apartment complex (it had to do for the moment) I said to myself gosh, I really forgot how good this felt! I guess we just get so caught up in the moment that we forget about the simple things in life that we enjoy and that truly make us feel good. And as I say that, I also found something else that I have not done since I was a child. Fly a kite! The weather was perfect yesterday (lots of wind!), unfortunately it was a crazy day yesterday, not to mention that is was my first day volunteering at the museum. The reason I thought of this was because I had gone to drop the boys off to referree their game at the park and I saw some college kids with a kite and water guns! So, I will try to incoporate these things into my life gradually. Kites and Bikes!

Es un dia maravilloso en el pueblo de cacalandia! En el trabajo me fue fabuloso! Al final de mi jornada (que fue a las 3pm) me dieron una advertencia verbal! (o sea que me llamaron la atencion) y me dejaron salir temprano. Pero a pesar de eso, mi actitud seguia con optimismo! Cuando llegue a la casa, resulta que el maldito aquel queria hablar despues de casi 3 meses sin contacto. Estuve de acuerdo, pero me comia la ansiedad por no saber de que se trataba y de el miedo que le sigo teniendo. Pero al final de la platica/discusion mi actitud sigue con optimismo! Creo que mi pesimismo ha llegado a un fin (por ahora).

Well. I finally got Kris's passport. So, we are set to go! Now, what am I going to pack? I need to go shopping!

Vamos a escribir en la lengua madre hoy! Basta de tanta tristeza. No se que es lo que me pasa. Al mismo tiempo extrano y odio lo de ayer. Debo de seguir adelante, y alzar la cabeza. Tengo que estar ahi para los que me necesitan. Estoy perdida, sin ideas, sin motivacion alguna. Necesito sacar la motivacion de mi ser, nadie mas me la va a dar. Sigo repitiendolo, pero no logro sacarla. Ayer era facil, hoy es dificil, porque no se a donde me llevara lo desconocido. Tengo miedo, pero estoy tranquila.

Three more weeks until my trip to Barcelona. My passport. Check. Luis & Jesus's passport. Check. Kristian's passport. No, still waiting.
I'm not panicking yet. But, I'm not excited yet either. I need some inspiration, and some motivation. Lately I do not find this to come easy. I think I have a problem.

Every time I think about going to work I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I don't think I will be able to hold much longer. At this point I am desperate and I know where I stand now. I know I need to do something about it, and I can no longer just sit and wait until things get "better". Do we ever find a place where we are truly comfortable? Are we ever happy with our mediocre existence....

If I'm really going to accomplish the things on my to do list, then I need to get off my lazy butt! No more lazy Sundays, and then feeling guilty for staying on my ass all day. I really need to try harder. My teens ask me "what are we doing today?" and I see a little sign of hope and anxiousness while they await my answer. "Nothing" I tell them. And they turn away with such disappointment. But, even though we went shopping the day before and went out to eat, I still feel guilty for staying at home all day. Not to mention that we all went out to the drive-in movies with all their friends, and mommy was so cool for driving us all there! (of course they did not say this, but I hopefully wish they would!) I don't know what is wrong with me, I just wish I had some motivation. I hate Sundays.

yes...this is a little late. But, here it is anyway! Victory Park in Dallas, TX

Yey!! I'm really thrilled! I'm going to be volunteering at the local museum on Saturdays. History and museums are my passion, I've always wanted to work at a museum and here is my chance at getting just a glimpse of it. It's western and civil war artifacts. Not really my area of interest, but it's a start! Wish me luck.

Questions to expect when calling a dentist office in Corsicana, TX to make an appt.. Please be prepared.
1. What is your name.
2. Are you a new patient
3. What are you coming in for
4. WHAT CHURCH DO YOU GO TO??
WHAT? YOU DON'T GO TO CHURCH? HAAAAAY!

Here's a list of things I want to try this year (never attempted before and in no particular order)"

Rock climbing
Kayaking
Skiing!
Hiking
Belly dancing

Goals:
Finish my degree
(I have to work on this one. I can't think of anything else!)

I keep waiting for something...I don't know what it is. Is it that I now have all this free time, and I don't know what to do with it? I need to find something new to do, and quick! Or else I will go crazy!
I got my passport by the way! I guess that was one of the things I was waiting on! I don't have a computer at home, so I have to go to work or the computer lab at the college to use a dang computer. Augh! How frustrating.
So, I got frustrated and I ordered one. I also got a laptop mini for me! That's my late christmas/early birthday present! Now I will have a stupid monthly payment. Woohoo.

I feel so freakin' sleepy today! I got a private call at 4 a.m. First on my house phone and then on my cell phone! Did I say it was at 4 a.m.??? Of course I did not answer those calls! You know if they call private they are never up to any good. And of course I could not go back to sleep after that. I was really freaked out! At times I thought somebody might be standing at my bedside just looking down at me, or that somebody would just pop out from under the bed! I don't know why my mind plays those tricks on me. I guess I should have a reason to be scared.

Alright. Ok. This turmoil in my life will pass. It's just a matter of time. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward time (just like Click!) but, you would also miss all the good things in life. So... focus on other things! Positive things! That's my strategy. Today I will go the the courthouse and submit the boy's application for their passport book. I've already submitted mine, so that is off my to do list. I just need Kristian's now, but I need a notarized letter from her father, augh! (he should be willing to cooperate, just to make her happy). I am really worried that we will not get their passports on time, but I'm not in the panic stage yet! Plus, it takes only 3 weeks now, so we should be safe (right?). Let's hope so.

Why do people insist in making my life miserable? I'm just so sick and tired of it. I will not go through another 2008! I refuse! I'm tired of putting up with all this political b.s. at work. I have to hold on to this stupid job until after my trip, I won't be able to take off if I get a new job right now. I'm just a nobody, a peon, trying to do the best that she can so, what's the point? But, right now as my friend says "a job is better than no job right now".

For some reason, after a long time, I have felt ALIVE again (maybe the weather? idk)! Almost like myself again. I feel more productive, and I'm finding meaning in a lot of things. I just need a better job now! I will start to work on that after my trip (really, I will). My children are learning to cope without their father at home. It's been about a month now. Luis is taking it the hardest (he's a Lalo chiquito).

So, I am planning a trip to Barcelona (yes Spain)!!! I cannot contain my excitement..really...I have never been overseas. I have already booked my airline tickets, and my sister is taking care of booking the apartment (yes an apartment, not a hotel!) The kids are so exited as well. They boys get to see their favorite team at play. I just feel that if I get too exited or talk about it too much, it will not happen. But, I have to be positive and stop thinking like that! I told myself this would be a better year. However, I keep thinking about the other, and start feeling guilty. But, why should I? I've put up with so much my whole life. Now it's my turn to have fun.

Hmmmmm.....This is the hard part. Getting started! I should have started this last year, I had plenty to write about! Although, I think this year will just start getting interesting. I'm new to blogger, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I will need some guidance through my friend Kealy! That I feel I haven't seen in a lifetime! I've decided to start this blog for some much needed self healing, and that I want to scream to the world!